I don't even know how to begin this posting. In the last couple of months I have this desperation to seek out God. I've been a Christ follower for almost 2 years, many people wouldn't know that. I've always felt uncomfortable talking about God and religion. I had (and to some extent still do have) some problems with "church". It's taken me a long time to figure out that God and church are two different things. I also had problems with Christians, or anyone that was religious. The main problem I had was that I thought God's main message was to love your neighbor.
I should start this by saying that growing up we didn't go to church. I did go to church with friends. I went to lots of different churches, I even went to Catholic school for 4 yrs. What I heard at most of the churches was basically "If you don't believe our version of the Bible or don't believe at all, then you're a bad person and you're going to hell." I would think to myself, "Wow, God's mean, angry, and doesn't like people." But I remembered from my Catholic school days that God is love, and we're supposed to love our neighbors. I was so confused.
It was the same with individuals that called themselves believers.
I couldn't see myself being like them, and hating people that were different from me. I'm a pretty accepting person, or I try to be. I've been told many times that I'm too politically correct. (hmm, sorry but I will never, ever be ok with the word Retard being used as a stand in for Stupid, Dumb, etc)
When Jon and I began dating he told me he was a Christian. I told him I didn't know what I believed or if I believed in anything. We had several conversations, though he wasn't going to push his beliefs on me. (Good thing too, it never would have worked) I remember very clearly Jon telling me I could believe whatever I wanted, but that he would be really sad not to see me in Heaven. (ouch)
After he said that I agreed to go to his church, to try it on, again. I felt so out of place; there was music (really good music), people were singing, and raising their hands up, and clapping to the music. I was doing none of those things, and felt like everyone was looking at me because I wasn't doing the same things as they were. I felt like a hypocrite. I didn't belong there.
When we started out pre-marital counseling it was even worse. The guy who interviewed us, I don't know if it was to see if we were "good marriage candidates" or what. When he found out that I wasn't a Christ follower laid a huge guilt trip on me, basically told me I was going to hell because I didn't believe, and the topper, "You might as well believe, because what's is going to hurt?" Really? "what's it going to hurt?" I almost closed myself off right then and there.
Then we met Susie and Andy, our councilors. An amazing married couple who welcomed me, asked me questions and answered questions I had to the best of their ability. They sat with us on Sundays, and introduced us to people. They became our friends.
Then there was Ed, Pastor Ed. I've never heard anyone preach the way he does. I never understood the Bible, or Christianity. But his messages made sense, they spoke to current themes, to real life, they didn't lecture me about what I could or couldn't do, or who is "good" and who is "bad". And he is smart, going from translations to original language, giving context and history. Explaining how life was when the different passages were written. And best of all, he showed that God is the One to judge, not us. Our job is to love our neighbors, and to become better, more knowledgeable, to commit to God.
I saw where God was working in my life. I tried praying, and my prayers were answered. I began to see how Blessed my life was/is. Just before Jon and I got married I decided to ask God to come into my life. It was such a powerful day, and I'm still convinced that the prayer Ed said was directed at me. He even said, "I knew it." When I raised my hand so he could pray for me and my decision.
So why am I writing all of this in a blog?
In the last few months I've felt this urge to get back to church. At first it was a gentle nagging, it only happened every once in a while. Lately, in the past 3 weeks it's been a desperate push. Before we moved to Charleston I looked into churches but nothing seemed like it was near what we were used to. I found a church that was a "come as you are" church and listened to a pod-cast...the pastor has a thick South Carolina accent, and unfortunately southern accents have a tendency to make the speaker sound less intelligent than they are. (I know it's a totally horrible thing to think and say... but....) With this new desperation to get back to church, and to continue my journey as a Christ follower,I began the search anew. Last week Jon and I found a church that seems to be a good fit. I'm glad we've found a new church, but it still doesn't seem to be enough to quiet this urge. So I've decided to talk about my beliefs, to tell people that I believe in God and that Jesus died on the cross for us.
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This is such a personal and vulnerable post. Such things are hard to find on the web these days, so I hesitate to throw my hat in the ring of opinion, but I am such an ardent atheist, I can't help myself.
ReplyDeleteI have an interesting history with Christianity too, as you may recall. For a while back in our hometown, I went to the presbyterian church, and even went to the weekly youth meetings they had. I really wanted to believe, which reminds me of what you say when you say that you had, "a desperation to seek out God." It's interesting. There's a lot of guilt that is sometimes placed on non-believers. Like your hubby's that he'll miss you in heaven, or your counselor's that you're going to hell. And I guess the irony of a counselor falling victim to Pascal's wager goes without saying. I've probably said all these things at one time or another myself, so I should temper my criticism perhaps.
For some reason though, I felt obliged to post and say that it's OK to be an atheist, and that we are many. If you are struggling to believe, it could be because of the reasons you mention or hint at:
- All religions think their beliefs are king (but how can this be?)
- Jesus' bloodletting is a strange human sacrifice by today's standards (to me this is akin to slaying people for the Gods)
- Believing that others go to hell makes very little sense
Some tough questions need to be asked of religion, and religious people. It makes their faith quiver, so it's not usually polite, but we've known each other for a really long time, so I may as well defy the usual rules of politeness:
- Do you believe that God knows everything? This results in infinite regress: How can he know everything? Does he know he knows everything? What about your cereal choice this morning? How can that possibly be?
- Do you believe that there is a heaven and hell, and St. Peter making choices at some gate?
- Do you believe that a person was born of a virgin, and that he could defy physics at a whim (such as changing water to wine, or splitting a sea down the middle)?
- Do you believe in the plain errors of science found in the Bible? If so, then you believe the Earth is 6,000 years old. If not, then the word of God is erroneous, and he is not omnipotent. Either way spells trouble. This is but one such error, there are many, since the Bible was written so long ago.
- Do you truly believe that man is at the center of the universe, and that those guys writing the Bible were really just incredibly lucky? According to NASA, there are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars in the universe, many with planets (that's 21 zeroes, for the record).
Sorry to be a mean religion questioner. I know it's not common to question such things, but with religion motivating terrorism among Muslims, anti-homosexual legislation in California, poor sex education in Africa (such as not teaching about condom use), and a myriad of other reasons (like stem cells, bodily mutilation of infants, and the question of babies in limbo), I just can't help myself. Also, did you know that Norway, Iceland, Australia, Canada, Sweden, Switzerland, Belgium, Japan, the Netherlands, Denmark and the UK are decidedly secular? Interestingly, they are some of the healthiest, most literate, richest, best educated, equal, and safest countries on Earth.
Anyway, I've probably said too much for a comment, but once I got started I figured I'd best go all the way. I'd be interested in hearing what you think about these things, but I'll understand if I've overstayed my welcome in a comment box.